My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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