she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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