i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the condom got lost in my hair
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
