my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
