Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
