I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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