all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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