I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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