I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
