half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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