I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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