good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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