hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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