M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
sarcasm needs its own font
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
