Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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