I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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