So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
