You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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