I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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