i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
