haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
