Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
These tits shall not be calmed
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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