FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
