bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
