That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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