I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
