Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
