a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
