How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
