I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
