Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
