You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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