i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
