When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
