Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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