I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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