Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Your cock deserves a montage
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
