I think I won the penis lottery.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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