I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
