saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
