i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
