I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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