Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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