I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
