you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
