The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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