he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
