Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
someone owes me an orgasm
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
