Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
