You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
