ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
